5 Myths Aout Grieving
One of the hardest things we’ve learned in both our research and personal experiences is that people have a lot of opinions about how other people should grieve. Though Kubler-Ross’ Seven Stages of Grief has some merit (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance), not everyone reaches all of these stages and not everyone follows the same timeline. In fact, this research originally was intended for people with terminal illnesses, not those who were left behind following that loss.
The reality is that every loss is different as is how we handle them. There are so many other complicated factors that affect how we grieve, how we cope and heal, and how we move forward.
These myths aren’t just frustrating and annoying, but they can be dangerous when “enforced” on people who have lost someone or have had a major life change.
1: You Need to Stay Busy
For some people, this is true, but for others, they need to take the time to rest and be still. It truly depends on who you are and how you process things. Not everyone is the same and though for many of us, staying busy is a distraction, that comes with its own issues as well. .
2: Your Grieving Period will Someday End
You will likely never stop grieving. You have lost something or someone that meant a great deal to you. What you will do is learn to live with and manage your grief.
3: You can’t Grieve Something You Never Had
This is SUCH a pet peeve of ours. When people mourn following infertility or even if a relationship ends with someone they thought was going to be a life partner, someone inevitably says that they shouldn’t be grieving because they didn’t have that thing yet. Believe me, you will grieve those things because you might have had an idea of how your life was going to go that was tied to your identity. When that is gone, it can be really, really hard.
4: You Need to Date, Have Another Child, Etc. To “Move On.”
Not only is this a terrible thing to say to someone who is suffering a loss, it simply isn’t true. Some people have more children and some people remarry or start new relationships and some don’t. Again, you don’t get to decide how people move forward and what will make them feel fulfilled.
5: You Can’t Grieve Someone Who is Still Alive
If you’ve had someone you love diagnosed with a terminal illness or who is in hospice or palliative care, you know that this simply isn’t true. Some of the people we interviewed actually struggled with this just as much if not more than when they lost someone unexpectedly.
The reality is that you don’t get to decide how someone grieves. No two people will grieve the same way. No two people will have the same experience and not everything works for everyone to move forward. Before you say any of the things above, you should focus on being there for someone who has suffered a loss and listening instead of being quick to provide advice that might have worked for you or someone else you know.
We all know that grief is difficult and complex and by not falling prey to myths or stereotypes about how grief should look, we can better support our people when they need us the most.